What Is It, God?

What is it, God? It's a question that troubles me whenever a haunting impression or thought about some past sins suddenly emerges out of nowhere and shakes my world.

The enemy wants to use this as an opportunity to prove I'm no different after all these years. I'm a fake. I've been living a lie of what otherwise could be a genuine Christian walk. As if to say deep down inside I'm the man of the past who rather be there than presently living for Christ.

But what is it that I would be searching for in that place? A place marred by darkness and pain. Such a place made for frustration and emptiness. The deception of living in that place caused pain for many people in my life.

Even now I'm learning not to rehearse past sins and failures that He has forgiven me. But there are moments that something seems to surface from the subconscious that I can't seem to give it a name. If I can put my finger on it then I could name it and ask God for help to overcome.

Some believers may call this a besetting sin. I believe it something else deep in the heart only God can resolve. Something wants to spring up and come alive especially in moments of great difficulty. That is why there is a place called the shadow of death (Psalms 23:4) that every believer must pass through to experience greater freedom and life in Christ. Paul calls it dying daily (I Corinthians 15:31).

Sinning should never come easy but sadly that is the condition of many believers in our generation. These are the ones who are unwilling to yield and bend their knees to God in submission. They rather hold to a promise of heaven while living for the passing pleasures of sin.

If we were to truly die to the possibility that the world holds out any hope of relief than we will be satisfied by the answer God gives us to what really troubles our hearts. To the young rich ruler Jesus said this one thing you lack but to Mary at His feet she found this one thing needful.

To know what troubles us may be helpful but not necessary to our freedom. What is important is a willingness to lay it down again and again on the altar until it rises no more. The voice of the past can't haunt us in the night hours or speak to us about our diminished future gains. Our hope and future is bright (Jeremiah 29:11). And Jesus encourages us not to let our hearts be troubled (John 14:27).

One day all the questions will be answered by a single glance at His beautiful face.

Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely. (1 Corinthians 13:12 NLT).